Memories
by Sariyuki
Summary: Shounen ai. SanzoHakkai. Flashes of memories are illuminating their way to the setting sun. Written for FairyMage's Fanfic Lyrics Challenge.


**Title:** Memories  
**Date:** 13 June 2006  
**Author:** Sariyuki  
**Disclaimer:** Saiyuki is owned by Minekura Kazuya. The dialogs in this fanfiction are taken from Tokyopop's translation of Saiyuki manga (book 2, 3, 4, 6).  
**Notes:** For Lyrics Challenge by Fairymage.

-.-.-.-

Looking back at that moment, when he started to feel it about the man. The way the feeling slid under his skin was that it came without him noticing it, until it was too late. He tried dismissing it but that never worked. He wished it to disappear, willed it to disappear. No such luck.

As he expected, he could never trusted his damn luck. And so he stroke.

"If you want to take your revenge or whatever for what happened back then..."

He could hear Hakkai tensed, behind his back.

"... I won't keep you here."

Silence. Whatever that meant.

And then, more meaningless words that sounded right. "You should follow your path."

With a sigh and a heavy smile, Hakkai answered, "I guess so." and told him what he wanted to hear, "But I'm here of my own volition."

"Besides..."

Sanzo would never hear what the man intended to say. But right there and then, he knew that Hakkai knew and it was okay.

The simple fact was that he needed the man's presence.

-.-.-.-

Looking back at how vague his smile really was, how pale in comparison the hurt that shown in his face to the hurt that actually was. And then he heard the man, admitting the unspoken agreement that they both had known for quite some time now. It was not a fair question, Hakkai had complained. But Sanzo had got to know.

"I wonder... Maybe I shouldn't be here at all."

The unexpected words jabbed at his chest and he hated it. "Stupid question. Don't ask it again."

Silence. Whatever it meant.

But he got to ask. If he couldn't say it here and now...

"You won't ever betray me, will you, Hakkai?"

He could tell that the question caught Hakkai by surprise. "That's... not exactly a fair question, is that, Sanzo?"

Sanzo shrugged. What did he care about being fair or not? But again, it caught him by surprise, the way he felt about this man.

He thought he could let go but he was wrong. He couldn't. Not then. Not now.

-.-.-.-

Looking back at the time when he was so close to heaven but thought that he was burning in hell, shrouded in the heat of a crushing passion that he never knew existed. A myriad of Hakkai's image exploded in front of his eyes, caressing every nook of his body and clawing away at his skin. The thin line between pain and pleasure blurred and the flames of hell felt like the breeze of heaven.

He knew he was lost, in the midst of these double taboos.

"You know, I hate them too," Hakkai said, with a ghost of a smile. "Rainy nights, I mean."

Maybe it was because of the rain.

Maybe it was because of those pale lips pressing gently onto his.

Who would give a damn?

He knew he lost at the moment he gave in to Hakkai's empty smiles and gentle touches. Falling from a sin to another sin, shattering all the boundaries, he didn't know what he was doing. Not precisely. But one thing was for sure, he knew that he had lost.

And yet, he did not care.

-.-.-.-

Looking back at how weak he had been, made him cringe in his nightmares. The non-attachment philosophy that he'd been hiding behind was not enough anymore. For as long as he could remember he had given up on protecting anything, anyone. And yet, yet he began to care again. So cared that he could not hide anymore.

He remembered that night when he saved Goku's life by almost sacrificing his own.

Hakkai's accusation sounded like jealousy. Almost.

"I seem to recall something you told me earlier..."

"Free of all, bound by nothing, you live your life simply as it is."

And then silence.

The nerve of that man, mocking his way of life. Did he think he himself had had everything figured out?

But Sanzo knew when to retreat. "I guess I'm the dimwit."

The confession seemed to satisfy the green eyed man, who smiled serenely like a smug bastard that he was. With his condition, Sanzo could do without this introspective ordeal, although he understood what Hakkai was trying to say.

The non-attachment philosophy had served its purpose. And that was that.

It seemed to Sanzo that he was subsequently told, Yes I want you to believe in everything.

But he would have to start believing, first and foremost, in himself.

-.-.-.-

Looking back at how fast he got used to the fighting and grueling lifestyle, it was as if he was born to do it, as if he was meant to save the world. How disgusting, how far from the truth. Either way, the tapestry of their journey was still far from being completed.

He realised now more than anything, the end result did not really matter. What matter the most was that they made the journey.

And if he could really believe in it, he could believe in anything.

Like, peace and love. Like, happy ending and tranquility.

"Isn't it sad that I couldn't think of anything to wish for?"

Sometimes one could be amazed by one's own stupidity. And sometimes it was hard to see the obvious, which proved that the smartest man could also be a fool.

Sometimes people needed to be reminded of why they were where they were.

"Well yeah, that's because you don't have anything you need to be wished for."

Hakkai was stunned for a second and Sanzo risked a smile when he heard Gojyo say that.

For it was certainly worth smiling for.

-.-.-.-

That was then. And this was now...

Looking forward to the next sunset, day after day. Gazing towards the future, as far as where the West lies. It was simple to do it that way, to take it one stop at a time. He knew that wherever he was, he was at the right place. Heading towards the sunset, breathing in the heat of the noon air, Sanzo felt .

No matter what had happened and what would happen, he could say he'd been there, seen it all, and done his bit. Not that it mattered. Nothing did, in the long run.

The tears, the blood and the pain would all be memories, fragile little threads that bounded the four of them together in the time of their life.

"I can't remember the time when I am not doing this shit..."

"What shit are you talking about, Gojyo?"

"You know, this damn field trip. My ass has melted with the back seat of this jeep, I feel."

Goku laughed. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

Hakkai smiled. It seemed like a lifetime ago that they did not know one another. And yet, in actuality it wasn't so long ago.

Sanzo opened his eyes.

"When I remember far, far back..."

"What was that, Sanzo?"

"I was just remembering the time when my life was peaceful and I wasn't surrounded by some idiots."

The comment elicited a chuckle from Hakkai and uproar from the back seats' occupants.

And this was just another day for the four of them.

Eventually, the jokes and the laughter would also be memories, lost in the midst of time. The beautiful tapestry of their life would turn into dust and be blown away by wandering winds. It didn't matter. Nothing really mattered in the long run.

Sanzo glanced sideways and caught the green of Hakkai's eyes. He smiled a little.

It was enough.

-.-.-.-


End file.
